You’ve probably seen them on the telly. You’ve probably heard about them in the news. Bullshire Online Reporters spend a shift with ARMED BULLSHIRE COPS and see what it’s REALLY like!
We sent an intrepid Bullshire Online reporter along to Bullshire Police Headquarters, where they arrived in time for an afternoon shift with Elite Bullshire Firearms Cops.
Here’s what they saw!
“…I arrived at Bullshire Police Headquarters at 2.30pm, planning to spend an exciting afternoon shift with the pinnacle of Policing in Bullshire. After smiling and waving at the bloke in the little hut by the barrier, he let me straight though without checking who I was. I saw a couple of cars and a dodgy looking dirty transit van tailgating me. I’m not sure how to spell tailgating me; so, if you could, could you educate me in the comments back on Facebook please? Cheers…”
“…Feeling anxious, I managed to locate the ‘Duty Preparation Salon’ by sniffing out the pungent aroma of testosterone, combined with a strong smelling mixture of hair product, Old Spice, Brut, fake tan and fresh tattoo ink…
…Heading towards the grunting, I made my way inside the ‘Duty Preparation Salon’ which is actually a gym…
…It was like that scene from ‘American Werewolf in London’ combined with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I entered the gym. A group of short orange people stopped pumping iron, turned and stared at me. It was obvious they don’t like strangers to enter their inner sanctum. They stared, scowled and smirked at me.
…I couldn’t believe how many of the midget orange blokes were supping from ‘Protein Shakers’ with their ridiculously long dominant index finger almost poking themselves in one of their boz-eyes…
“…Briefing time. A really short bald bloke sauntered into the room and said “Listen In”. He started the briefing with some intelligence he’d received about a fit new Student female policeman who, according to his source, wasn’t married and only living with her boyfriend…
The rest of the briefing was spent discussing how the Elite Gun Cops could infiltrate her station and have an affair with her…
…A plan was drawn up. The buffest Elite Gun Cop was going to ‘crew up’ with the most tattooed Elite Gun Cop and make a move on her…
…Being Elite Gun Cops involves lots of strategy and tactics. A lot of time was spent planning how to deal with hostile movement towards the fit Probationer by CID and the dog man…”
“…I meet the two Gun Cops I’m going to spend the shift with. Both are called ‘Big Fella’. They seem nice enough. Kneeling down to talk to them, I introduce myself. I’m surprised at how unable they are to string two words together; but we soon become friends because I’ve got a massive G-Shock watch too…
…We spend an hour going through the “rules” which are quite strict. Usually they don’t like people sitting in the back of their diesel family estate because they have massive sacks full of fuck knows what on the back seats.
…They posed for a photo for me. The ‘Observer’ had to move because I couldn’t see him over the bonnet of the police car…”
“…My new friends Big Fella and Big Fella have finally sorted their hair out and ensured their freaky finger is freaky enough.
They tried to count the bullets they were allowed to take out but kept getting stuck when they reached double figures.
Suddenly, their radio sparks into life… There’s a deployment! Excitement builds as someone called “Bronze” almost breaks the speakers with their ridiculously deep voice…”
“…The briefing is over. After a few hours of ‘Health and Safety’ scripted messages, it turns out that a child has been seen wandering around outside Bullshire College with what looks like a hand gun!
I’m so excited. We mount up and head towards an ‘RV Point’ which stands for ‘Really Far’ and is at least 150 miles from the location of the incident.
I don’t ask why the ‘TAC’ has asked a ‘Local Unarmed Patrol’ to put a ‘Civvy Jacket’ on and make the location.
We’re soon on our way to the ‘RV Point’ and I almost piss myself with excitement; but can’t because I’ve got a stiffy I’m so giddy…”
“…We turn up at the ‘RV Point’ and hear on the radio that the ‘Local Unarmed Patrol’ resolved the incident three hours ago.
A ‘Firearms Response’ is no longer needed so we head back to Headquarters.
Big Fella and Big Fella are all frustrated because they didn’t get chance to speak to the fit probationer and moan that she’s probably already having an affair with the dog man.
…We get back to Headquarters. Big Fella and Big Fella count their bullets again; which still confuses them when they reach double figures.
It’s time to go home.
What a shift!
It was SO EXCITING!